Since about the time Izzy was born I have been battling depression. Finally after moving to East Texas I gathered the courage to talk to a doctor about it. Obviously, she put me on medication for it. I was prescribed 20mg of Celexa everyday and it seemed to work for a while. After a year I noticed I felt emotionally numb. I was living in a gray realm and this bothered me. A few months after giving birth to our second daughter I decided it was time to get off this medication. This emotional numbness was preventing me from bonding and even falling in love with my new daughter. I can't describe how horrible it feels to look at your new little baby and not feel that overwhelming surge of unconditional love. This medication had to go! So after talking to my new doctor in Dallas I was told to cut my dose in half in keep decreasing it over time. Over many months of cutting the dose lower and lower I was finally able to stop taking it all together at the end of December. FINALLY! I felt free. The withdrawal symptoms were so terrible. I experienced the "Brain Zaps." For those who don't know what that is, imagine an electric pulse that starts in your brain and surges through your entire body down to your toes. They start off mild and sporadically. Their intensity increases as does their frequency. I was having up to 30 per minute. I could not function! The only way to get them to stop was to increase my dose. So if I was at 10mg a day I would have to go back up to 15mg a day and stay there for a few more weeks before stepping back down to 10mg. I would never wish the "Brain Zaps" on my worst enemy. No one deserves that kind of torture!
Zoe was 8 months old when I finally got off the Celexa. It wasn't until she was 5 months old and I was weening myself off the medication that I finally fell in love with her. I picked her up one day when she was crying and I had this waterfall of love come over me. I cried when it hit me and all I could think was "Thank God! Finally! There it is!"
Now, as for me being off the Celexa, lately I've been wondering if I really do need to be on something to help me with my depression. I will NEVER go back on medication. These past few days have been very difficult for me and it really got me thinking about my depression. Will I ever be over it completely? I hope so! Last night I took St. John's Wort and I woke up in a great mood. So my decision is to combat my depression with vitamin alternatives to medication as well as a healthy diet and regular exercise. I always feel so much better when I eat well and exercise. I really feel like it's the best way to fight this and come out the winner.