Holding Back The Furies

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Since about the time Izzy was born I have been battling depression. Finally after moving to East Texas I gathered the courage to talk to a doctor about it. Obviously, she put me on medication for it. I was prescribed 20mg of Celexa everyday and it seemed to work for a while. After a year I noticed I felt emotionally numb. I was living in a gray realm and this bothered me. A few months after giving birth to our second daughter I decided it was time to get off this medication. This emotional numbness was preventing me from bonding and even falling in love with my new daughter. I can't describe how horrible it feels to look at your new little baby and not feel that overwhelming surge of unconditional love. This medication had to go! So after talking to my new doctor in Dallas I was told to cut my dose in half in keep decreasing it over time. Over many months of cutting the dose lower and lower I was finally able to stop taking it all together at the end of December. FINALLY! I felt free. The withdrawal symptoms were so terrible. I experienced the "Brain Zaps." For those who don't know what that is, imagine an electric pulse that starts in your brain and surges through your entire body down to your toes. They start off mild and sporadically. Their intensity increases as does their frequency. I was having up to 30 per minute. I could not function! The only way to get them to stop was to increase my dose. So if I was at 10mg a day I would have to go back up to 15mg a day and stay there for a few more weeks before stepping back down to 10mg. I would never wish the "Brain Zaps" on my worst enemy. No one deserves that kind of torture!

Zoe was 8 months old when I finally got off the Celexa. It wasn't until she was 5 months old and I was weening myself off the medication that I finally fell in love with her. I picked her up one day when she was crying and I had this waterfall of love come over me. I cried when it hit me and all I could think was "Thank God! Finally! There it is!"

Now, as for me being off the Celexa, lately I've been wondering if I really do need to be on something to help me with my depression. I will NEVER go back on medication. These past few days have been very difficult for me and it really got me thinking about my depression. Will I ever be over it completely? I hope so! Last night I took St. John's Wort and I woke up in a great mood. So my decision is to combat my depression with vitamin alternatives to medication as well as a healthy diet and regular exercise. I always feel so much better when I eat well and exercise. I really feel like it's the best way to fight this and come out the winner.


  1. Exercise definitely helps! I take Geodon and Wellbutrin, and we just cut my Geodon dose down from 160mg to 120mg because it leaves me feeling drowsy for most of the next morning/afternoon. (I talk it at bedtime.) I've also started taking B-12 as well.

    I can't imagine how awful you must have felt for a while! :(

  2. I love B-12! I'm supposed to start taking B-2 for my migraines. But I need to pick some up. I'll probably get some this weekend.

  3. Ive taken the gambit of drugs for depression and such and you know this, but let me tell you, trying all natural remedies have worked for me far better then any script I've ever been given.. I've repeatedly been hospitalized for side effects of various scripts for my mental health and almost lost Charlie because of Welutrin.. after all these years and meds for my various issues, I have found the herbal remedies such as St. Johns sort, kava kava, vitamin b complex and a few others make me feel so much better without the trips to the ER.. I know when I had Lilly, I was so overwhelmed and depressed I detached to the point that I stopped really even holding her unless I was breast feeding, I detached from everybody and everything and really just didnt care about anything, but one day I just snapped out of it while listening to music and watching her just be and thought to myself, what am i doing??? Ive got amazing and smart kids!! I want them to be as proud of me as I am of them and be there for them the way nobody was for me.. I realized if I kept going in the drug induced haze I was in, i was gonna miss everything and they would end up just like me... Without a proper mother/family and a whole lot of issues... I didn't wean off the meds, I just stopped taking them and found ways to deal with my issues realizing I've got alot to live and be present for... Im glad you were able to finally bond with Zoe... She is such a precious gift!! Keep up being such a good mama and find natural ways to combat the issues, im sure this blog will help alot!! I'm always here for you too.. I love you <3 keep your head up, your doing great!!

  4. I was told to try B-12 for months before I finally got some, and after taking it for a week, I hadn't noticed any difference. Then I accidentally skipped a day and the difference became instantly clear! Its definitely helped in terms of giving me an overall boost.